Dear Mama B.,

I don’t know how to start this. I don’t even know what to say. It happened so quickly I don’t even think I’ve had the time to fully process what has been. It’s been a month and a half since you’ve been gone and I can’t believe this is real.

I had a dream once: I was at lunch with your family but for some reason you were not around. I kept asking everyone where you were but no one was answering my question. I thought that maybe you were in the bathroom or you quickly went to the supermarket for a last minute ingredient, but you were not coming back. When I asked for the last time where you were, the whole family decided to go out to the garden. I was left in the dining room with Pastor Malcolm looking helpless and sad and asking me to keep him company which I did. Then I woke up. I felt the dream was weird but I didn’t think too much of it. I didn’t understand so I left it and honestly forgot about it. This was in July.

In August my friends tell me you were seriously sick and that the church was earnestly praying for you so I joined them to pray for a miracle. For God to do something. For Him to move. We believed for a miracle, we wanted a miracle. But something in me was already mourning: it was as if my soul already knew what was going to happen. But I shook it off and kept seeking God’s face. I was praying for you to have a chance to come back even if for a few minutes. But it wasn’t so: on Tuesday, while I was at summer camp, they told me you’ve passed on to better life. I didn’t think it was real. I still don’t think it’s real. “God why would you allow something like this? To this woman of all people!” I asked. but I know that if you were here you wouldn’t want me to ask such questions. You would tell me, like you always did: “God is good and everything He does is good”. You always said this even when it didn’t make any sense.

So I want to honour you, honour you with all you taught me, although this list will never be exhaustive:

• you taught me to live life fearlessly. You showed me that it was possible to have it all and believe God for it. Not to belittle myself but take a full stand with my head high, shoulders broad and feet apart in EVERY situation.

• you always made me feel so special and always made sure I knew that I was loved even when I didn’t feel it.

• you loved the way I worshipped God and you always encouraged me to express myself in it without caring what others might think because I may never know who I might be encouraging.

• You always told me that my personality was contagious and I always light up a room whenever I walked in it and that I had one of the most beautiful smiles you had ever seen. That was my weapon you said.

• You always encouraged me not to be intimidated by the future, that I’ve only scratched the surface because the best was yet to come.

• And you always reminded me that God was, is and will always be with me.

When I moved back to Italy, it was the darkest period of my life, and right when I was here, you sent me a letter where you wrote this poem: “Don’t quit”.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill, When the funds are low and the debts are high, And you want to smile, but you have to sigh, When care is pressing you down a bit, Rest, if you must, but don’t you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns, As every one of us sometimes learns, And many a failure turns about, When he might have won had he stuck it out; Don’t give up though the pace seems slow. You may succeed with another blow. Often the goal is nearer than, It seems to a faint and faltering man, Often the struggler has given up, When he might have captured the victor’s cup, And he learned too late when the night slipped down, How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out. The silver tint of the clouds of doubt, And you never can tell how close you are, It may be near when it seems so far, So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit. It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.

It’s very sad how the circle of life makes us appreciate what we have only when we’ve lost it. You always encouraged me to stop living small and to pursue all that God has for me, including this blog. “Have a vision and everything will follow Anna. When you dream big, resources will follow. Who says you can’t afford it?”. You used to say: “Give it to God, manage your finances and bless people. HE WILL SURELY BLESS YOU”. That was your formula for life and it clearly worked as it shows in the legacy you left behind.

You loved your family fiercely and you taught me how to intercede for my future children one day. I know they will be eternally grateful for your constant spiritual covering.

We didn’t always see eye to eye and we sometimes clashed on certain issues and I know that between us there were unspoken words and unsaid things but there was more to you than met the eye and I wanted to know you more. You were fascinated by my inner strength and passionate personality and I was inspired by your effortless grace and achiever spirit. We were an amazing duo and I will forever be grateful to God for bringing you in my life.

I’m shocked on how you could be here now and the next thing we know is you’re gone. So quickly. There wasn’t even an opportunity to say bye or have a last face to face conversation. I never knew our time left together here on earth would be this short. If I did, I would have done a few things differently. If I said I didn’t have any regrets I would be lying: I regret the unspoken words, I regret holding on to hurts and I regret never telling you enough how much you meant to me.

We can not take back the hands of time but no matter the differences that separated us, there are way more similarities that united us. And there will always be an empty space where you left.

I wish I could have seen you one last time but I couldn’t even come to your funeral because of dialysis but I know you understand. My wish is to be half the woman you were here on earth but most importantly, I hope you are proud of me. And just like in this picture, I hope you’re shining bright up in the stars where you take your rightful place. May your legacy live on forever Mama B. Until we meet again. And I promise you, I will never quit.

Yours faithfully,

Your warrior daughter, Anna